Lying to belong

Fake it till you make it

# Lying to belong

As some of you know, I have been a member of two evangelical churches for 17 years each, after I joined "conventional Christianity" by "giving my life to Jesus" at 22. While my spiritual journey started way before that, I had spiritual encounters with seven.

I quickly learned that these encounters and the thoughts they inspired were misguided. They could not be correct because I did not have the Holy Spirit in me. What I learned from reading through the Bible several times had to be off.

The story of my life up to that point had been one of being awkward, of not fitting in. I had experienced being correct in all things logical, even when conventional wisdom, existing methods, and my teachers thought otherwise. At least, most of the time.

However, whenever things strayed from the realm of logic and provability, things became less clear. I was ready to accept that I was challenged in these areas to the point that I needed external guidance.

I could see value in conventions and doctrine, and trust the authorities in the areas of relationships and the spiritual.

This led me to act in faith, trusting that the results would eventually manifest, especially in the realm of interpersonal interactions, including my relationship with God.

I had many questions. Many things did not make any sense. Why would God have to be cruel to his son to spare us? Why would God not be responsible for all the bad things if it were His creation, He planned it and foresaw it all? And why would all the evidence we found scientifically point us in a direction that did not align with the doctrine I was given?

A few smaller questions also remained. Why does the man have to be the head of the family and the priest of the household? Didn't Jesus eliminate hierarchy? However, we held on to it, especially for the church, as if we still lived in the time of the Old Testament.

How could we emphasize single words in the English or German Bible when they were a choice of translation guided by doctrine, which we then in turn use to justify exactly said doctrine?

I could go on and on. In short, I experienced a manifold dissonance within me. And how did I react?

I lied to belong.

I answered and taught as I was expected to.

One would think that this would deepen the tear and widen the chasm within me. However, a line of justification was given to me that made this bearable. It went something like this:

The wisdom of this world would not understand. I had to become a fool first. My old nature, my ego, was fighting me. My problem was that I was too much in my head. I was not to understand, but to obey. Faith works like this: You have to see and believe it before you see things manifest.

I accepted that others, especially those anointed to teach and pastor, with a longer faith journey than I, had more profound insight. It was time to exercise my faith, or as I now call it:

To fake it till I make it.

Did I tell you that I am neurodivergent? My forceful submission to the expectations of others only deepened the dissonance within me. And yes, I call the expectations Jesus had of me in this scenario external, as we believed in Christ and God as separate entities, and we had to reach out to them.

I spent all my energy holding up this mask. I so wanted to belong. When I succeeded in meeting their expectations, the community and fellowship were warm and cordial. However, I was challenged and couldn't keep the mask on all the time, which resulted in immediate rejection. I had to begin afresh and build my reputation anew.

So, I lied to them to belong, and I lied to myself to survive, placing belonging above truth and authenticity.

The dissonance within myself almost killed me, literally. Highly gifted individuals are often characterized by a stubbornness that can be difficult for others to understand. Neurodivergent people usually strive for their goals, even if it means sacrificing their well-being. This striving might not manifest in neurotypical ways, but it is nonetheless much stronger than "normal."

I am more than happy about the breakthrough I experienced in authenticity, even though it meant losing my belonging and sacrificing almost all my relationships. I found a handful of new ones where I can voice my thoughts and talk about my dissonance.

No more "faking till I make it", no more "lying to belong." Just being on a journey as I am to become who I always was.